Sadness

There are moments in my life where I feel so cold and today is one of them. My emotions run deep almost like diseased roots buried in the ground. Sadness has got me today and is holding me tight.

You all don’t know me as I look around the classroom, everyone has a piece of me but you don’t have the full jigsaw…

There are moments where I’m talking but my mind is elsewhere. Nodding like I’m listening and a smile drilled into my face. I don’t know if anyone notices, honestly, I don’t care but I actually do, you see, that’s the thing I’m a walking contradiction…

I want you to care about me and know that I’m hurting. There are some, I can see it through their eyes, I thought you were a friend? I guess not, another one crossed off just like that, disappointment is not even the word. How many more people am I going to kill off? Maybe I am the problem? I sigh.

I’m so lonely, huddled into my bed, Suddenly I’m hungry Where is my food? I just want to be understood, why is that so much to ask for? As I munch greedily into my sensations. if you can’t understand me, then why can’t you do the decency and try to see where i’m coming from…

“Girl, how are you??” “I’m gooood you?!”. Just moments before that, I was crying. The words leave me before I realise. Oh, I’m such an actress. It happens almost automatically, I’ve trained myself.Deep down in my soul I’m yearning for love and understanding. A place where I feel safe to let down my guard.

 

Now do you see how I’m a walking contradiction?